Strange Milieu

A Confusing Entry

That night--as we drove home from university--I told him about her and he listened intently.

She was my girlfriend for three months and has been my ex-girlfriend for the past nine. He knew all about what happened. He knew understood why my relationship didn't work out a lot more than I did. He had been my bestfriend for the past few years and I knew that if there was someone who would understand, it would be him. I was confused and perhaps (just perhaps) he who tended to see things from many different perspectives could help me clear a path to the right thing to do.

I told him that I was thinking of getting back together with her. I told him that I had begun to realize that the bad things that happened to us prior to and right after our break up had clouded my perception of her. I told him that I felt bad that the moment that the romance waned, I gave up on us. I told him that I felt even worse for making it as clear as day to her that everything that caused the collapse of our relationship came from her. I told him that I was seriously thinking of giving it another chance.

It's probably clear right off the bat that I regretted a lot of the things that happened between her and me. I regretted giving up on our relationship without a fight. I regretted making her feel like the scum of the earth. I regretted losing time with her by holding a grudge and not even trying to restore our friendship. The regrets were weighing me down, I told him.

He was quiet for a very long while.

Right after my break up, he had told me that he had seen that I was still too naive and--he had claimed to have said this with the most affection--selfish to commit myself to such a relationship. He had told me that both she and I were not ready for our relationship for different reasons. He had told me that if he had told me these things before I asked her to go steady with me, I would have brushed it off because of my then overly romantic view of the world.

He never said we weren't compatible.

And by the time he finally spoke, he didn't discourage me, either. He chose his words carefully as he often did in these kinds of situations. "Date her," his answer was simpler than I expected. "If she wants to, of course," he added as an afterthought. He then proceeded with an explanation, "Dating without commitment would be a good way to reacquaint yourself with her. You're detached enough to make relatively unbiased decisions while she's close enough to you for you to be able to evaluate your feelings for her."

I had thought of that before and was seriously considering it.

"But," he gave me a warning, which I found to be very useful. "Even if she wants to, don't commit just yet. Your feelings aren't very reliable right now. You're confused. Let your state of mind settle before doing anything."

"You know," I brought the discussion back to what was bothering me in the first place. "It's all this guilt and regret I feel for all the things I did to her that makes me sad. I always believed that we should live our lives without regrets..."

"I don't think regrets are all that bad. They make us think twice before we do anything stupid," he said as a small sad smile touched his lips. Even those who have been blessed with wisdom beyond their age like him make mistakes. He had his own regrets, too. "I think what's bad is regretting that you have regrets and dwelling on it."

There was silence as I digested his words. Before I could say anything more, his voice cut through the darkness,"Sorry." He kept his gaze on the road, but I could still read the sincerity in his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't help that much."

And, he was right. I couldn't say I felt the weight had been lifted after our conversation that night. He didn't present any clear cut solution to me. He left me to decide for myself.

"Don't be sorry. Don't regret it," I reassured him as I settled back on my seat to contemplate everything that had transpired. I was really grateful he listened intently so I said it: "Thanks."

It was more help than he would ever imagine.

posted by beautiful stranger @ 9:15 AM