Dreams
I've had more dreams about you than anyone else.
They say that if you suppress a memory, your mind forces you to recall by including that memory in your dreams. That's strange since you constantly invade my mind--though, I do push thoughts of you away the moment I catch myself.
So now, every now and then, I accept your image forming in my mind. Perhaps, one day, I don't need to suppress your memory as time has caused it to fade away.
Time
Someone once sent me this message:
To realize the value of one year, ask the student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of one month, ask the mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one day, ask the editor of a daily newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour, as the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute, ask the person who just missed the train.
To realize the value of one second, ask the person who just avoided an accident.
Treasure every moment! Please don't just read, reflect on it and share with someone.
It was just another one of those chain messages, at first, but now, I realize the value of perfect timing--of every moment--as I wonder when things will settle between you two.
Chance Encounters
Christmas vacation had just begun.
The students of the University were all on vacation--as was I. But, I still had quite a few things to put in order before taking the much needed break.
I listened to my own footsteps as I made my way towards our lab. Without classes, the building was empty--save for the guards and the custodians, and they were all chatting in the lobby. It was so still that I immediately sensed the shift in the air when you open your faculty room door. You're there to wrap a few things up, as well. Like me, you weren't expecting anyone else.
We stare at each other for a moment before I decide to turn and walk away. But, before I could turn my decision into conscious action, you raise your hand in greeting, "Oi."
"Hey," I respond lamely. My smile doesn't hold much reality in it. I quickly lower my eyes, trying to hide my apprehensions about speaking to you.
You approach me, but not close enough to touch. I could reach out and my fingers wouldn't graze your shirt. "I'm sorry," you say in that quiet tone of yours that tells me you're serious. You hate apologizing. The last time you did, you had a grin on your face, as if you had no idea what you were doing. You're a proud person. 'Sorry' is a word that is alien to you.
"You didn't do anything wrong," I explain in a voice that matches yours. You smile, you're about to extend your hand in friendship, but I stop you in your tracks. "But I'm sorry, too."
"For what?" you ask.
I look you in the eye to try to convey the message that I am serious as well. "Because I can't accept your apology just yet. I'm not ready to let go of things just yet. So, I'm sorry." I bow my head and begin to walk away.
And, it's a pointless encounter that I want to happen as I stand in front of the classroom you teach in during school days. But, perhaps because it is a pointless encounter, it doesn't happen, and probably never will.
Life Lyrics: Invisible War performed by Sitti Navarro
Invisible war
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Strained maneuvers, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
Both wishing that it was like before
In this invisible war
Talk about a fine a line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers, now we're not even friends
In this invisible war
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war
Wounded deeply,the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do or say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more
In this invisible war,
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war
Want to go away,I still love you
Got to go away, I'll always love you
Got to be away, Time heals all wounds
In this invisible war...
Life Lyrics: 214 by Rivermaya
Am I real?
Do the words I speak before you make you feel
That the love I have for you will see no ending?
Well, if you look into my eyes, then you should know
That you have nothing to doubt, nothing to fear
And you can lay your questions down because if you'll hold me
We can fade into the night and you'll know
The world could die ,and everything may lie
Still you shouldn't cry
'Cause time may pass, but long than it'll last
I'll be by your side
Take my hand
And gently close your eyes so you could understand
That there's no greater love tonight than what I have for you
Well, if you feel the same way for me, then let go
We can journey to a garden no one knows
Life is short, my darling, tell me that you love me
So we can fade into the night and you'll know
The world could die and everything may lie,
But you won't cry
Cause time may pass and everything won't last
But I'll be by your side
Forever by your side
So you won't cry
This song reminds me of the person that I care for the most. But, more than anything, it makes me want someone to sing it to me. Yeah, I know how selfish that is, but that's how I honestly feel.
What reminds me of you...
Whenever I talk to our friends from high school, I get reminded of you. I don't really like remembering you because memories of you make me wish things had been different. That's why I don't like going to reunions. That's why I try to avoid seeing high school friends. But, whenever I do end up with some of our high school friends, I have a masochistic tendency to talk about you. It's a bit frustrating considering my best friend is also one of your best friends.
Whenever I hear any of the songs you love to song, I get reminded of you. I don't really like remembering you because memories of you make me wish I hadn't done the things I did. I don't bother trying to avoid the songs you so love. They're all over the place. I just minimize my chances of hearing them. I don't listen to the car radio anymore (not that it's that big of a difference, I rarely turn it on, anyway). But, there are some nights that I want to angst about us so I play an MP3 that you probably have on your celphone playlist and reminisce.
Everything reminds me about you. I like remembering you because memories of you make me warm and fuzzy inside. I like hearing your name, smelling the scent of your cologne. I often wear that shirt you gave me to sleep. I call you often. I love the sound of your voice. I know that it bothers you that I cling onto you like some wet dishrag. Sorry, it's just that whenever I remember you, I seem to forget all those other things I'm trying to forget.
Secrets
"Do you have secrets?"
He simply looked at her strangely, not even granting her a response. There were some questions that were far too dangerous to answer.
She laughed shortly and reverted to a more conversational (and, thankfully, far less introspective) query. "Do you believe that every person should have one deep dark secret?"
So, she really wasn't getting into anything. It was actually just another one of her odd and random questions. She was probably just bored and wanted to talk about something. Anything, to be more blunt. As always, he decided to humor her with an answer, "No, not necessarily." He ran a hand through his hair as he phrased his explanation in his head, "It really depends on the person if they want to be all mysterious."
"Oh, that's good to hear," she was still smiling, but the curve of her lips had changed into a more rueful than playful grin. "Because sometimes I think I'm not normal for not having secrets."
He stared at her for a moment before recanting his statement in his own mind. While she was the most open person he knew, she was also the one with the most layers and the one who was most difficult to fathom.
Sadness...
Have you ever felt like no one could hear you no matter how hard you scream or cry out? Have you ever felt like you caouldn't reach anyone no matter where you ran to? It's stupid, I know, but that's currently how I feel.
I feel like I'm fading away. I haven't even produced a "peep" in history--not anyone else's and most definitely, not the world's. When I am gone, no one but I will remember me, and the sad thing about it is I will be gone.
My soul will be burn in the unquenchable flames of Purgatory and no one will ever know.
